Purpose-Driven Dating

For Marriage & Family, Begin with the End in Mind

As I write, graduation season has just finished. Millions of 18-year-olds nationwide are preparing themselves for the rest of their adult lives and responding to people asking questions of, “What are you going to major in?” Or, “What job do you think you’d like?” Or even, “What part of the country do you hope to live in?”

Far fewer are those who ask, “And are you planning for a family one day?”

Asking that seems nosy somehow, or inappropriate, or embarrassing—akin to one’s mother-in-law hinting as to when she might expect a grandbaby. These are private matters, to be worked out in time. Leave the poor kid alone.

But … might not a little forethought into marriage and family be a good thing?

Marriage-Mindedness in America

In a recent post for the Institute for Family Studies, Wendy Wang reports that of American adults ages 34 and younger, 93 percent are either married or open to marriage. Only seven percent are unmarried and want to stay that way.¹ Contrast those numbers to actual data regarding marriage: as of 2024, roughly 60 percent of American men and 70 percent of American women have ever been married.² The top reason American adults gave when asked why they were still single was “not money, jobs, or even readiness for commitment, but that ‘it is hard to find the right person to marry.’”³

And before you suggest Match.com or Tinder, slow down. Such apps aren’t doing the trick. Deseret News reports that for Gen Z, “dating app burnout” is a real thing, and these apps seem to be falling in popularity.⁴ More options don’t necessarily lead to greater likelihood of finding a match. Rather, they seem to encourage a consumerist approach to dating, increased feelings of rejection, and “choice paralysis”—the inability to make a decision because there are simply too many options.

I married at age 28, 12 years ago now, and I remember feeling almost panic-stricken before I met my husband. Multiple friends had married at the (now) shockingly young age of 22, and I felt old and alone. Furthermore, for whatever cultural reason, I felt unable to voice my desire to marry. It was as if it were somehow inappropriate or pathetic for a woman to simply tell people, “Yes, I’d like to be married, sooner rather than later, and here is how I’m planning my life accordingly.”

Misguided Narratives

There is a lot wrong with the American narrative on marriage, and part of my hesitancy to simply embrace that desire, instead of feeling ashamed of it, can be traced to misguided thinking. To begin with, “soulmate” theory preaches that there is exactly one person “out there” for every other person. Your job, in dating, is to find that one person, and then things will go swimmingly.

There are a lot of things wrong with this theory, as Jason Carroll has pointed out. “Despite promising an easy path to lasting love, soulmate thinking ultimately makes the quest to ‘find the One’ a more elusive goal, not an easier one.” Too many things feel outside of one’s own control—both finding and then achieving relationship success with that person is something “fated,” rather than something that individuals have any agency over. Carroll writes,

At their core, soulmate beliefs provide a backwards depiction of the sequencing of healthy relationship development. They suggest that someone exists as your “one-and-only” before you have even met; therefore, relationship success is primarily about simply finding that person. Soulmate thinking diverts attention away from the fundamental truth of loving and lasting marriage—that oneness is made, not found. Someone becomes “your One” because of your commitment, not before.⁵

And yet, Carroll writes, some 60 percent of Americans still believe in soulmate marriage.

The second thing wrong with our narrative on marriage is that it has become a “capstone event”—marriage is something you do after you figure out who you are, gain an education, build a promising career, even buy a house. After all these things, suddenly, the soulmate should appear, when you are “ready.” Historically, of course, this is all backwards. Not that long ago, marriage in America was considered a “cornerstone event.” You married young, figured out who you were together, built your career(s) and family together, figured out the house thing together, and so on. You grew up together and learned the skills of planning, conflict resolution, relationship-building, mutual respect, etc., together. “Iron sharpens iron,” as Proverbs puts it.

Cornerstone vs. Capstone

We do young people a serious disservice by continuing these narratives. In an earlier issue of Salvo, Terrell Clemmons writes that she has “taken to injecting the marriage question” into her conversations with teenagers.⁶ And while it often takes them by surprise, they quickly warm up to the idea. They want to be married and have families. Many women, in fact, want to stay at home with their kids, when and if they have them. Aren’t there ways we can help them plan accordingly?

We can begin by simply asking a question, introducing the idea into young people’s minds. “Do you think you might get married someday?” If the answer is yes, how do they plan to meet a prospective mate? How might they prepare for the reality of marriage and parenthood? Is getting married young really that bad?

Our churches can help, too. In a recent Sunday morning service, our youth pastor prayed that those young people who desired to marry would find the right person. Even that simple prayer felt like a breath of fresh air—it is okay, even good, to acknowledge that desire and to encourage it. It is good for the church to help young people find a mate.

In her closing, Wendy Wang encourages young people to get out there, in real life:

Instead of delaying marriage, endlessly searching for that “perfect” person, and maximizing potential partners through dating apps, it is worth adopting a cornerstone marriage mindset, being cautious about the soulmate ideal, and giving real-life dating a chance.

At the next graduation party or family gathering you attend, you might provide some relief to a panic-stricken teenager by simply acknowledging that marriage and family are worthwhile goals. No one should be embarrassed about moving mountains to make them happen—or about simply planning for and actively seeking a spouse, rather than merely hoping one appears.

Notes
1. Wendy Wang, “Why Americans Aren’t Getting Married and Having Kids—and How to Change That,” Institute for Family Studies (Jun. 18, 2025).
2. Lyman Stone, “1-In-3: A Record Share of Young Adults Will Never Marry,” Institute for Family Studies (Feb. 26, 2024).
3. Wang, “Why Americans Aren’t Getting Married.”
4. Natalie Issa, “Disillusioned With Dating Apps, Some Single People Are Turning to More Creative Dating Methods,” Deseret News (Sep. 4, 2024).
5. Jason S. Carroll, “Soulmate Marriage vs. ‘The Only-One’ Marriage: Knowing the Difference Matters,” Institute for Family Studies (Aug. 23, 2023).
6. Terrell Clemmons, “Choose Your Cornerstone: The Case for Early Marriage,” Salvo  33 (2015).