Slightly Offspring

When Puppies & Plants Replace Children

I've watched with mild embarrassment and frustration as many of my generational compeers delay—or even eschew—parenthood and substitute dogs to fill the role of children. As eggs drift and die like uncourted Austenian spinsters, as sperm dart aimlessly to and fro, ready soldiers never called to arms, it seems that AKC-registered canines are the only ones of God's good creatures taking seriously his commandment to be fruitful and multiply.

Or, to be more accurate, their breeders are the ones pursuing the procreation, collecting deposits on puppies not yet conceived and laughing all the...